


I’m locked in regrets so give me a chance

by changingsmile



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: A3! Act 8 Spoilers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28932366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingsmile/pseuds/changingsmile
Summary: "Citron, you would've made a fine king, but you wouldn't have been a happy one. That much was clear to those close to you...The best way to pay them back is fully taking advantage of the opportunity to live a new life they've given you."
Relationships: Citron/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	I’m locked in regrets so give me a chance

**Author's Note:**

> *Set between episode 10 and the Epilogue of Harugaoka Quartet so you should probs read it LOL you don't gotta tho  
> *Citron is not quite suicidal but it seems that way for a sec so heads up

Fully dressed, Citron padded over to room 103. He softly knocked on the door a few times but quickly became impatient. 

“Chikage, Chikage I know you are awake.” 

There was no sound of footsteps, just silence until the door suddenly opened. The other man looked only mildly irritated.

“Do you know what time it is?” 

“4am!”

Without his signature (fake) glasses to soften his features, Chikage’s displeasure was on full display. Citron knew he should feel guilty, but he was relieved by Chikage’s ire. if Chikage was bothered it was because Citron woke him up and that meant he was able finally fall asleep. It was still difficult for him to relax enough to sleep peacefully through most nights. Usually around this time Citron would find him silently sitting by himself in the courtyard. He had checked there first, but with no success. 

“If you know this, then why are you knocking on my door as if you’re a toddler scared of being alone in the dark.” His words were more aggressive than his tone of voice. Citron paid it no mind more amused by the mental image of Chikage having kids. His amusement was shown freely causing the ends of Chikage’s lips to quirk down.

“I want to go to the beach.” Citron’s foot rushed forward, just barely making it in time to keep the door open.

“I’m going to sleep.”

“No! Don’t be so drool!”

“What reason do we have to go to the beach right now?” 

Citron didn’t want to explain himself just yet so he settled for his most sincere expression.

“Please?” 

“God if I find out I have to hide a body for you,” Chikage muttered while going back into his shared room to change clothes and grab his keys. “I’ll do it. But I’ll still complain about it the entire time.”

Satisfied at getting his way once again, Citron patiently waited for the other while grinning. 

“Don’t worry I’d never ask anything that unreasonable!”

Citron’s past unreasonable request was left unmentioned. 

-

Chikage fiddled with the radio in an attempt to find satisfactory background noise. Failing to find anything he played a CD at a low volume instead. Huh. It didn’t sound like his usual genre of choice. He must’ve been given it by Masumi. Chikage, knowing Citron, refused to look at him or acknowledge the CD because he would’ve gotten teased over it. Citron spared him and instead filed the info away for later. Despite his prickly bravado he was quite sentimental. Whenever gifted with something he’d always use it, whatever it may be. The man never buys much for himself and isn’t one for material goods outside of spices so his only incentive for keeping the usually useless knick knacks was his own attachment to the people behind them. Citron found it cute. 

Sitting next to his lover in comfortable silence was nice but…

“I’m driving you know.”

“You’re capable enough to drive with one hand. Aren’t you?”

He huffed but didn’t press anymore and allowed Citron to lace their fingers together. 

Chikage’s hands always had a pleasant warmth to them. It was as if no matter how hard he may try to close himself off to others his hands would always be there waiting to share his warmth with those lucky enough to successfully chip away his exterior. For a man who complained about not liking his personal space being infringed upon he made the perfect companion for cozying next to. His entire body radiated heat, not just his hands. 

Citron’s hands were the opposite. Despite his own cheerful and friendly image he ran cold. He found it fitting. No matter how hard he tried to change how he was in Japan his detached demeanor still bled through. He had done so well, but when he had seen Tangerine... They somewhat patched things up but Citron still felt the residual guilt from him pushing away his brother. He always managed to hurt those he cared for. Tangerine. Guy. He glanced over and squeezed Chikage’s hand tighter.

“This drive,”

“Mm?”

“It reminds me of before.” 

Chikage turned the car rougher than necessary.

Citron didn’t know why he was trying to pick at a wound that had been long scabbed over. 

“I was scared you know. That you’d refuse me.”

The look Chikage gave him was unimpressed.

“No you weren’t.”

“I-”

_ “Even back then, I was incapable of refusing you.”  _ He naturally slipped into Citron’s native tongue. Citron never recalled telling Chikage he was more comfortable having these conversations in his own language, but he was thankful nonetheless.  _ “For the same reason why I let you drag me out at 4am to go to a beach an hour away.” _

_ “I’m an impudent man.” _

_ “And demanding.”  _

Citron laughed but it lacked his usual exuberance. 

_ “I took advantage of you.”  _

_ “And I allowed it.”  _ The car stopped and Citron looked around. They made it to their destination.  _ “Besides we’ve had this conversation already.”  _

As they got out of the car, Citron recalled that Chikage never complained about the chill of his hand. 

-

_ “So,”  _ Citron hummed in acknowledgement.  _ “Are you going to explain yourself?” _

While piecing together his feelings Citron focussed on the chill of the ocean breeze. It was a season too early to be going to the beach. Being out here at 4am didn’t help much either. He much preferred warm weather but on occasion Zafran beaches had a similar chill. He’d persuade Guy into sneaking him out on trips not too dissimilar to this one back when he lived in the palace. But it wasn’t Guy who he was with right now, even though Citron knew he would’ve readily agreed.

_ “I felt homesick.”  _ He paused.  _ “But with my homesickness came feelings of guilt. In the end I got the freedom I desired but-”  _ Citron cut himself off. But what? His thoughts were too rapid for him to process. There was too much that he wanted to say yet even in his own language he lacked the vocabulary for it. He eventually settled with,  _ “Do you ever feel undeserving of life,”  _ His head turned just in time to catch Chikage’s eyes widening, caught off guard. “ _ That your happiness was bought using someone else's?”  _

_ “Should I be concerned?”  _

Citron knew that he shouldn’t, but he laughed regardless. Shaking his head he sat down on the sand. Chikage was going to complain about it being everywhere in the coming weeks yet he joined Citron and sat close to him. Citron wrapped arms around bent legs and rested his head against his knees. 

_ “How many people have gotten hurt because of my own selfishness. I was allowed to go back to Japan and in my excitement left my youngest brother to pick up the pieces of my own inadequacy.”  _ He took a breath.  _ “When I think of it like that, I wonder if I should’ve been left to burn. Why should I be allowed to live such a carefree life?” _

_ “Don’t undermine my work like that. I didn’t save you for nothing.” _

_ “You speak as if you did it alone.” _

_ “Was anyone else there? I hardly noticed.” _

_ “Are you being romantic or slighting Itaru?  _

_ “You can’t tell?”  _

_ “No.” _

_ “Good.”  _ With no real strength Citron bumped his shoulder into Chikage, chastising him.  _ That aside, your brother holds no ill will towards you.” _

_ “I know but I’m sure he had his own dreams. I put him in a difficult situation...he lost all of his brothers at once. I’m also very familiar with the pressure of preparing for the ceremony and acting in a way that pleases the nobles. They’ll always nitpick no matter what you do and-” _

_ “Citron.”  _ A hand clumsily patted his head clearly not used to acting in such a way. _ “You would’ve made a fine king,”  _ A confused expression spread across Citron’s features. He was unsure where the other was going with this.  _ “But you wouldn’t have been a happy one. That much was clear to those close to you. You worked hard to live up to everyone’s expectations, but those closest to you just wanted you to be happy. The best way to pay them back is fully taking advantage of the opportunity to live a new life they’ve given you.”  _

_ “...You’re a surprisingly sensitive man.” _

_ “And you’re surprisingly melancholy.” _

_ “I know what you said about me to Mika.” _

_ “Tch. Never expected him to have loose lips.” _

_ “Maybe not for just anyone but I am technically his superior still. He must’ve thought it would cheer me up.”  _ At some point during their conversation they both laid down, Citron curling into Chikage’s side.  _ “I also know how kind you were to my brother. Trying to get on the good side of your in-laws I see.”  _

_ “Be quiet.”  _

“ _ Give me something more interesting to do then.”  _

_ “..Demanding..” was muttered against his lips with nothing but fondness.  _

The sun slowly poked its head above the horizon to paint them with marigold rays as they lazily kissed. Losing interest in laying in the sand Citron climbed on top of Chikage instead. 

“You’re heavy.”

“You’re hot.”

“Warm?”

“Mhm, sure.” 

They naturally slid back into Japanese signifying the end of their previous conversation. 

Citron was unsure if his guilt would ever subside completely, but for now he decided to believe in what Chikage told him. But it hadn’t been only Chikage, had it? No, he was lucky enough to have a company full of people who cared and his brother back home. 

-

_ «Nii-sama, there’s only one thing that I wanted to be since a long time ago.» _

_ «I’ve always wanted to be like nii-sama, who is loved and respected the most in the world.» _

_ «I’ll be a person like nii-sama and become a king. When that time comes, I’m sure it’ll be the “Spring” in my life.» _

**Author's Note:**

> *Can u believe no one has updated their tag since my last fic smh I'll feed myself  
> *Ending quote from [here](http://yaycupcake.com/a3/index.php?title=Harugaoka_Quartet/Epilogue)


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